When it’s time to part…..
Consciously completing a relationship is a grand accomplishment and a radical departure from the traditional breakup marked by animosity, crushed self esteem, mistrust, and horrifying legal bills. Our culture is rampant with destructive breakups which induce intense suffering, some of which never heals. Hating the person you once loved is an agony that can destroy your future chances at love. There is another kinder, gentler way, and Sara expertly guides couples to manifest sanity during a crazy time in order to minimize damage to integrity, self concept, and emotional cohesion. Benefits of this Process
In the Conscious Uncoupling program, you will:
- Reach a shared intention to abide by the Hippocratic Oath of separation: Do No Harm. Establish time out protocols and emotional sobriety ground rules in order to be safe as you part.
- Remember and share what drew you to your partner, what was good between you–this diminishes the polarizing brought on by pain and increases emotional safety due to holding a more accurate perspective
- Identify and express the lessons learned that will be carried for the rest of your life, having known and loved each other.
- Engage in exercises designed to move you from from hostility and blame (emotions that hold you hostage) to responsible expression of the underlying hurt and anger (emotional expansion)
- Work through the practical requirements of parting, determine the next steps, such as how to tell friends, whether to be friends or business partners, who keeps the pet, etc
- Engage in a thorough review of your contribution to the current situation. Share these bravely and directly. Receive the same from your ex graciously.
- Create a vision for co-parenting
- Pull your energies into your own life, and begin to actively imagine a meaningful future
The brain registers the same degree of bewilderment and pain with parting as with a death, flooding the body with fight or flight hormones which thrust us into intense emotional states accompanied by behavioral impulses. Influenced by friends, family, lawyers, or substances, these feelings are often acted out in destructive ways. Our culture makes it worse by viewing endings as failures, and the broken hearted feel judged or ostracized rather than supported. Partners are often bewildered and frightened as their once-upon-a-time soulmate bond turns to soulhate. Don’t let this happen to you!
There will inevitably be anguish and fear, but Sara’s guidance shows you how to access clean pain (stay on the “high road” of honorable endings) rather than stain pain (skid into the ditch of spite and animosity, and carry that toxic baggage forward into your life). Sara will engage you to be with and express your intense feelings in a responsible and safe way rather than block them or act them out–this matures you and leaves you and your partner scar-free. You are supported to consciously unravel the threads of your shared life rather than rip and rupture.
Having closure ends the power struggle, settles the heart, brings peace of mind; teaches emotional maturity, retains self esteem and dignity for both, ties up loose ends, provides emotional freedom, and allows completion so that parties are not encumbered by unfinished relationship business. The heart is sore but remains undefended and intact. Ultimately, learning to let go lovingly allows you to love again. If it’s hard to be this straight for your ex, do it for yourself and your future lovelife.
Emotionally complete with your former partner. Your efforts will bestow a sense of emotional liberation. Remain emotionally intact before, during, and after. This will reduce “trust” issues as you go forward in your life.
Gathering the gifts
All relationships contribute in some way and teach us something valuable. Identifying these gains is maturity producing and opens your heart through gratitude
Build your EQ!
Increases emotional quotient as you practice remaining present, calm, and contained during the expression of strong emotions
Hold onto your dignity. Learn how to counter the culturally prescribed “happily ever after” held in the collective unconscious. Know deeply within your heart that is never a failure to have loved another.
Keep those RRSPs
If emotional volatility is kept in check, partners are less likely to act out around property and money settlement issues. If the feelings accompanying Separation are felt and expressed, they do not need to be acted out with control, payback, punishing. The ever-escalating “tit for tat” can be brought to a stop.
Take personal responsibility
Identify the limiting beliefs and patterns which lead to your part of the relationship disharmony and begin to heal the unconscious hurt which underlie it
Children are enormously damaged by parental alienation syndrome (PAS) which is a growing social concern and occurs when one parent turns the child against the other parent through verbal and emotional slagging. The manipulated child is left feeling insecure, angry and hurt. Kids used as pawns or go-betweens in parental disputes may be developmentally delayed emotionally and cognitively. Agree that your role as parents has primacy over any personal ill will and keep your interactions civil and neutral in front of the kids.
There can be many factors in separation that make this kind of collaboration a real challenge. Sara can help you gain the skills necessary to summon up your higher self. Remember, your kids are blank slates who soak up and memorize exactly what you and your ex do and say to eachother and about eachother. Your words and actions are internalized and become your child’s model of relationships.
- Regulate and contain intense emotions without involving your kids (they are not your therapist)
- Learn the most damaging No-Nos
- Speak directly to the coparent, make clear requests about your needs, ask about theirs
- Be appreciative, stroke your ex’s behaviour when they get it right
- Establish and uphold specific crucial boundaries and yet be generally flexible in the bigger picture.